Behold the Kickmen | Review

Behold the Kickmen

Behold the Kickmean released on Steam at an unfortunate time for me. My PC had just given up the ghost and I was unable to play it. However, I dreamed that one day it’d get a console release, so bought it anyway.

Dan Marshall let me down for nigh on three years. How dare he! My £3 or whatever it was at the time wasn’t respected enough and he took it an ran. I have never felt so insulted in my entire life. Scammed out of maybe £3.

Well, I owe Dan an apology and also thanks to him my kids are allowed crisps again (he’ll get that one). Behold the Kickmen is out on console and gets a clichéd ‘Perfect for Switch’ port and all is right with the world.

Behold the Kickmen is the football game for people who don’t know what football is and is all the better for it. Dan Marshall has never hid his disdain for the sport and the game is made with utter contempt to the the world’s most popular sport.

As someone who does love football, I should be angered, but I found myself giggling along with the absurdity of it all. The basics are in the game…Kicking, running, tackling and a ball. But then you get a game that feels like it was made by a man who thought Anfield was a grammatical error and Old Trafford was just an ancient shopping centre in Manchester. Someone who doesn’t get why everyone gets excited by someone else being messy.

Honestly, Behold the Kickmen is ridiculous and if you go into it expecting a game of football then you will be disappointed. I really cannot think how to describe it properly. The target is still to win games by scoring goals, but there are so many things in there which make it ridiculous, you sort of have to ignore the winning and just drink it in. A countdown to offside early on had me confused, especially when it led to a red card for crimes against Football. It is all wonderful stuff.

It does that thing though, where it starts you with all your ‘powers’ to introduce you to the game, before taking them away. I think that is part of the joke though. Your team is pathetic and you need to earn money to earn skills and upgrades. All money is earned by how you play the game and other little ways. It makes little sense.

It could be argued that it takes away the fun a bit too much with the RPG elements, but Dan is a super nice guy and allows you to play with all your skills enabled, such as being able to pass. You can even run faster if you want!

Look, Behold the Kickmen isn’t a game that is going to be for everyone, nor will you be playing it day in, day out for years to come. However, it is a £3 game on the Switch and you will easily get value from it. It is one of the reasons I love the Indie scene and the growth of it and digital distribution. As this is a game that could never have existed in the past and for a fun little time waster it is is great to have.

I’ll call the lawyers off Dan and you can happily keep my initial £3 from 2017.

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