It’s been a tough 10 days since I last wrote anything here, but I’ve managed to stay the course and not drink. So lets look at the positives first.
I’ve been to my volunteering the last 2 weeks. Thats been great, it’s a help to me and the people I meet with, a win all round. I’ve had my 17 year old son here a fair bit too and we have had some good chats about things, played some games, watched some films, it’s been a fun time. I’m slowly losing weight, this is always a win as well, just need to keep going with what I am doing. I’ve also been generally calm, sorting things out that need to be done, but also taking time to do some fun things.
I had a liver scan this week, to check for stiffening and signs of cirrhosis. The reading was the same as in November, which was what I was really hoping for. It means that the drinking I have done recently has not caused any more damage, so that was a huge relief.
The new Legend of Zelda game is amazing. Nothing more to add to that really, but it’s been so nice to just lose myself in that world this last week.
Bad stuff. My rent went up by 10%. I have new landlords who are doing more than previous ones have done, and my rent hasn’t gone up for ages. Inflation is high, so that’s the reason. Benefits also went up, but because of the day mine are worked out, I don’t get the uplift until the 14th June. Thats for a rise that was supposed to come in on the 6th April. The benefits system is built to pay out as little money as possible, if my payment was due on the 16th, I would have got the increase in May. It’s not fair, and I am being blanked by the benefits people. So that made me angry.
My old landlords were chasing me a few weeks ago for rent they said I owed them as they overpaid my current landlords and were told I had not paid them anything. Which is nonsense, and I told them that. They then send me a 14 day notice saying they would refer me to a collections agency. All this without any financial breakdown. So I told them to stop harassing me or I would get my solicitors to talk to them (I’d have had to find one first). Funnily enough, they replied within 2 days saying it was all sorted. I spoke to my current landlords today and they have had zero conversations about me with the previous ones, other tenants yes, but not me. So it’s sorted, but I didn’t need that stress.
I’m still in a lot of pain due to months of not being able to move properly, that’s getting me down.
Last year in April I had a small breakout of clothes moths in the flat. They were annoying rather than anything else, and I was on moth kill alert for a couple of weeks. Pest Control told me for the amount I had, it was not worth spraying everything, it would have required lots of chemicals and money. Last year it led to me drinking again as it really got to me, but it was an excuse. Well they are back this year, in a lot less numbers, and I have better traps. Only see one or two a day, they don’t seem to be damaging anything that I can see, and they don’t harm you so I’ll put up with it.
Other things have happened too, plans fall through at the last minute, I had to spend money I really didn’t want to etc, but just annoying little things in general are getting on top of me. My ex-wife has been saying unpleasant things about me to my son, no idea where that has come from, and treats me as though I roll around drunk every day and am incapable of rational actions. Thats disappointing rather than anything else, we have very separate lives now and there is no need for the attitude she seems to be taking, but I am an easy target. I can be that at the moment, my son tells me some of the things she says, but he has his own eyes, ears and opinions, so if she wants to use me as and anger dummy, that’s OK.
But last night I really wanted a drink. I was very very close to getting one. It was the first time I have had cravings this strong for a long time and I didn’t like it. I ended up overeating, but that’s fine for just one day. I feel really down today, I’m about to go for a walk and have plans for tomorrow so that will keep me on the right path for the rest of the day.
Thing is, all of this is just life. It happens to everyone, and a lot of people have it a lot worse. But I let things get to me too much, I have obsessive behaviour patterns that get in the way of me functioning normally, and they come out when all this stuff is happening. My son knocked one of my lego models and some pieces fell off, I was fixated on it for an hour trying to get in fixed in poor light. I should have left it until the morning but my brain would not let me. While this side of me can help when I want to achieve something, it also makes things that are minor completely take over the moment and can ruin a day. I need to get that under control more.
Apologies if this is all a bit rambling, but that’s why it helps me just get it out. My life isn’t in a bad way at the moment, everything is OK. I counted up yesterday how many days I had been drinking over the last 180, including days just sipping beer to help with detox, and it’s less than 30. If you had offered me that a year ago, I would have bitten your hand off. So I need to feel more grateful for what I have and where I am, and more proud of how far I have come and what I have achieved.
And I need to go and play Zelda again, because it is a wonderful escape to another world, my son is also playing it, my eldest will when he gets back from Uni, and I have a great online community I can talk to about it. And that’s a nice thing to have.