I know I have ADHD, despite still waiting for that official diagnosis. I have managed to become more open about it and gradually stop masking. I’m not there yet, buit things are improving. But there is one aspect that has its claws in and won’t let go!
I have ideas, great ideas in-fact. I make plans for them and get so excited for the new idea. However, putting those great ideas into action? Well… something inside of me will always stop it. I still don’t quite know how I got MHG off the ground.
Take for example many years ago, I was working with someone who wanted to make a social platform and wanted a USP. I suggested at the time building something that allowed you to group all your contacts into ‘Circles’ you could have a Friends Circle, Family circle, Friday Night Dance Club Circle, etc, etc and when you posted something, you basically chose which circle would see it.
It may sound familiar now, but this was before Google tried it and Facebook did a version of it too. But Whilst I had the idea, I just didn’t have the ability inside of myself to push it on.
Do I think I could have changed the world? No of course not, but my life has been littered with ideas I have had, that others have then managed to make actually happen. I honestly felt like my existence was pointless. All because something would stop me.
I have since worked out that it is because of ADHD partly. Executive Dysfunction is one part of it, but not the only part, but at least some of it has a name. I am not a useless waste of space, there is a reason for it. But here is the thing, unlike other issues, I cannot seem to find a way to combat this yet, despite trying.
I have severe social anxiety and have managed to find technique to help myself. I have learned to stop masking certain ticks and stims and just embrace them. I know that I am not being rude when I phase out, or interrupt. I became open about it and those around me understood and have guided me.
That’s not to say I can just get away with everything and blame it on ADHD. When I am an arse, I am an arse, I know that. Thed point being though, I have adapted my life based on what I now know and I feel much better for it.
But that damn inability to follow through with ideas, projects and the such is still holding me down. I do that thing, where I get into something and obsess. Any ADHDer will get this. I got into Virtual Pinball and the only reason I don’t now have a full size VPinball cabinet is because I have no money and no room. Well the no room thing had me working out a way to still fit one. But I did make sure I got a desk that could hold two monitors, got a custom made controller that allowed me to replicate a pinball table’s buttons on my PC and spent weeks and months setting everything up on the software side.
Doing that so was playable wasn’t enough, I had to have my setup perfect and would often get frustrated if it wasn’t. I did the same with my retro setup too. I have handhelds, full Launchbox setup, all the artwork for ROMs, etc, etc, etc and so on.
Crap what was my point?
Oh yeah, I do get obsessed with things, but then it frustrates the hell out of me that I can’t get into that mode when it comes to getting a project off the ground. So much is sort of started, then abandoned, or I start, see something similar and think I’ll never do my thing as well as that and stop.
You get the point I am making. I know this is a problem, but I can’t break the cycle like I have been able to with other elements of my ADHD. Recently I wanted to start a consultancy style company that would advise on accessibility for new games early in development, but saw that there are other people who are probably more qualified than I, so dropped it. That made me completely miserable for ages. Despite people telling me to go for it. Y’know, there isn’t a single PR agency, single music producer or a single expert in any one field. There are a range. But maybe one day I can get onboard with that and not fear failing.
So this is my next plan for trying to sort it out. Starting with small steps to get into a routine… I love routine, as much as I love just doing things on a whim. Like, my daughter’s football is set, I like that and hate it when it changes, but I also get angsty being in that routine and want to to something spontanious and then get anxious when we do something new.
I have set a plan up for producing content on MHG and I hope that it helps me to pull a focus. If you are interested
Monday: Game article (written)
Tuesday: Video YouTube
Wednesday: Stream Twitch
Thursday: Mental Health article (written)
Weekend: Podcast Released
Let’s see if I can use this to get a nice routine going and break that cycle!
Thanks for indulging me.