I am selfish. Yep, I can admit that. I find myself wired in such a way these days that I cannot help be selfish. It is what depression does to me. That’t not something I can seemingly control either.
What exactly do I mean? Well, I don’t really know, all I know is everything is about me. Not in that way where I think the world should revolve around me. It comes more from the fact that I know it doesn’t and nor should it.
What makes me selfish? How about having thoughts that I’d happily see all life on earth cease to exist, so I didn’t have to put up with being on this planet any more! That’s pretty selfish right?
Or thinking that I might be important enough that not being here would improve the lives of those who know me. Yet not important enough to think that there could be negative emotions from those who love me. I’d be gone, so who cares right?
Yet I am selfish. I know others suffer and have crippling depression. Have body image issues and a host of other mental health problems. Do I care about them? Well yes actually, because selfishly, if I can hope them better, I can forget about myself for a bit.
I get jealous easily. Not of others having fancy clothes, the latest phones, being able to go out and that sort of thing. I am happy they can have those things. I am jealous that no matter how hard I try, I cannot. Hell, I don’t even really want those things. I just want to not have to worry every single day about the coming weeks and how little money we scrape by on.
That’s selfish too. Because I know there are people a lot worse off than myself. Not just in third-world countries, but right on my doorstep too. But I have to make it all about me. I have to take a selfish view.
“Don’t sweat the small things” – Sure ok, so worry about the bigger picture then? “Don’t concern yourself with things beyond your control” – Ok, so worry about nothing? That makes no sense? Who actually lives in that world?
I’ve known people with other health related problems, those who have died from cancer, those who have lost parents and those who have lost children. But a selfish part of me has looked at them and thought “at least it is a visible thing, help is there”
I know full well it is the wrong attitude. There is help there for me and others like me. I don’t want the focus on me. But what about me. Leave me alone! Please be there for me! That’s not a healthy way of thinking at all.
I want to help myself, to pull myself up and get through my own issues. Show that I am a strong person, I can do this. But I want someone to do it for me, I am not strong enough.
One thing I have discovered over the last few years is that I am alone. Outside the people who have to be around me. Namely my partner and my kids. There isn’t anyone in my life.
I haven’t been asked to go to the pub for a drink in many a year now. Not invited round for a cuppa or anything like it. I haven’t done the same either, because I am selfish. Why should I be the one to initiate this? It should be them?
I expect everyone else to be able to read me and understand. I expect everyone else to take the first steps. I have caged myself, shut myself off and made myself lonely. That is something that needs to change, but I honestly don’t know how.
Depression is one cruel selfish fucker. (I did use a stronger word but thought better of it) It doesn’t care who you are, what your background is or your status now. It will do its very best to destroy you and I tell thee now. It is bloody well effective at what it does.
So yeah… depression is one cruel selfish c**t!