Confidence. One thing that can determine how your life goes. You’re told to be confident in everything you do. Show confidence and you’ll succeed. But what if you don’t have any?
Advice that has been given to me. From those who supposedly care about me, who want me to succeed in life. Yet I suffer from a crippling lack of it.
Many other aspects of my mental health get tackled. I know the techniques for handling my depression for example. But confidence… that is a big one I have never got to grips with.
I can pin-point this to my time at school and the bullying issues. I still haven’t recovered fully and I have written about it in the past and I may well cover it again. It has though, affected my confidence more than anything else.
It is difficult to explain how it works. I know I am good at certain things. But I just don’t believe in myself to make them work for me. I am a pessimist at heart.
Always looking to the worst possible outcome. I won’t get that job, I’ll fail that test, no one will read this. That is down to confidence and why people who may not be as good at some things as me, will always get ahead.
I have seen it first hand. I’ll try not to word this in an insulting way, it isn’t intended like that. So here goes. I have seen someone apply for the same work as me and whilst there actual samples were poor, they got the gig because they went in with confidence.
I get so scared of myself and lack that confidence, I will charge someone nigh on half the value of the work I am doing. Why would anyone want to pay more to me.
It has got to the point where I haven’t been paid for completed work. I have been walked on by people, because I don’t have the confidence to stand up to then.
Hopefully this article will go up (if you’re reading it, then it obviously has). But I have written many, I have then scrapped as I don’t have the confidence to post them.
Video too. Many have been recorded, only to be deleted to never see the light of day. Why? I have no confidence in my voice or personality. I have no confidence that anyone would want to listen to me.
Despite evidence to the contrary. I released a semi successful Ice Hockey podcast. A series of gaming podcasts. Some video content. All of which seemed to be well received.
So why can’t I do this again? Confidence! Instead of looking at the few hundred or thousands that did listen, I look at the things I didn’t like. What were those things? Well it was me.
Even since launching Mental Health Gaming, I have come close to binning the whole thing off. There are people who can say things better than I can. I am a fraud. At least that is what I tell myself.
I reviewed the excellent Fractured Minds from Emily Mitchell. It is an excellent game that tackles mental health in a very clever way. It isn’t insulting or condescending. The PR company that sent me the review code asked to use some quote from my review.
This should have been a shot in the arm to show I am doing something decent. The last time that happened was from EA for one of the NHL games. So this was a big deal.
This should be something to give me confidence. But it just didn’t. I don’t know why, I cannot explain it.
I’ve looked in the past at the idea of using Patreon to allow me the resources to grow. Both back in the Gamestyle days and now with Mental Health Gaming. Yet the same question comes back time and time again. Why? Why would people bother with me?
It is a confidence thing.
I admire those who can go on a TV talent show, despite a lack of talent and murder whatever song it is they are trying to belt out. They can do it as they have a ton of confidence. They either don’t recognise, or don;t care the lack of talent they have.
Now, I cannot stand those programmes and avoid them. But I do admire those who do them. I even admire all the reality stars. I despise the system that allows them to exist, but I admire they have the confidence to take advantage.
Because here I am. Sitting here with some talent, but without the confidence to use it. Too scared to put myself out there. Getting to a certain level, then not being able to push through to the next one.
People who have worked with me can probably attest to that. There have been some good ideas, but it won’t go anywhere. All due to confidence.
This isn’t a cry for help (I don’t think), but it is something that has been on my mind since launching Mental Health Gaming and something that I felt I needed to address in some way.
Confidence is a huge but often overlooked part of mental health. At least in my experience. It has never been tackled and I don’t know how to turn it around. I don’t want to be the life and soul of the party, but I’d like people to know I am there at least.