I was asked recently why I still use a pseudonym for my email address? Not being 100% sure initially, it hit me after writing my confidence article. I worked it out.
I believe in bradigor. Yes, I believe in bradigor much more than I do Bradley Marsh. You see, Bradley Marsh is weak, lacks confidence and wants to hide in a corner and pretend he doesn’t exist.
Yet as bradigor I am not that person. I want to engage, I want to be heard. As bradigor I’m happy to play with others and can talk about things. Most importantly he wants to exist. If I could end Bradley and only exist as my pseudonym, then I would.
I am sure this isn’t exactly groundbreaking stuff, I know for sure that many people feel the same way. Why is this? Honestly, I think it is because I am able to create a persona.
Whereas I had a rough time of it in ‘real life’. I was bullied, lived in a low income household and have mental health worries. The opposite is true of my internet life and why I prefer my pseudonym.
In real life I am a picture of concern and worry. I look like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cannot hide the times I feel really down. People don’t see just the worst of me, but they do see all of me. That scares me and make me try to hide myself.
As bradigor I can show only the parts I want to show. I am a lot more laid back, I let the little things slide. Finding the positives in things that I cannot as my ‘real self’.
Taking games for example and when I used to review them for Gamestyle. Back they I gave review scores and noticed most of the time I would give a higher score than the average. 8s & 9s compared to 6s & 7s. Sure, nothing major, but it showed a better outlook on things.
It is the same when it comes to discussion. I feel much more confident standing my ground and backing my opinion. In real life I’d make a point, but then back away and hide if I felt uncomfortable.
I am not saying I would argue for the sake of arguing, but I did feel much more confident in backing myself. Still I am happy to shown those times I may be wrong. Or swayed to a change of opinion.
Now, I have had many moments online I’d rather forget. Who hasn’t? But again, in real life I’d let those mistakes weigh me down and dominate my mood. Online and under a pseudonym I can let that wash over me.
My mental state can have an effect on the way I post and interact. I’d be lying if I stated otherwise, but I suppose with it being written down and using a name other than my own, I can see what is being written and step away. I cannot really do that in the real world.
I have created a new persona for myself. Not one that is drastically different but one that allows me to separate myself from the main worries I have in life. The odd time the streams have crossed have actually been of a benefit as the online community have been there to listen and also help when needed.
I said earlier in this piece, that I’d take existing as bradigor only. That’s not entirely true though. I have some great things in my life. Namely my family and they are the reason I continue to exist. So what I really want it to take bradigor and be more like him in my actual existence as Bradley.
I know full well I cannot change the past, yet the past has had such an impact on my life. That as much as I want to be more like bradigor in my real life, I will have to continue to split those two personalities. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is.